The Importance of Validation

In any relationship, good communication is key to its success. This applies to romantic relationships, friendships, parent/child relationships, etc. One thing that I see repeatedly in my practice is that everyone, adults and children alike, just want to be heard, accepted. They want their feelings to be validated. This seems to be one of the biggest struggles in most relationships. Psychology today defines validation as recognition and acceptance of another person’s thoughts and feelings as understandable.

When we communicate, we can either “validate” or “invalidate” someone’s feelings. We can even disagree with someone and still validate their feelings. It simply means to show support, acceptance, not necessarily approval. It does not mean just being agreeable or pretending, but showing understanding. It makes people feel important when their feelings are validated.

To validate someone means to express, “I understand you.” “I get you.” It creates trust with that person, trust that they can come to you with their thoughts and feelings and not be criticized. Invalidation creates distrust, emotional shut down and can even cause people, especially children to not trust their own gut. It makes people not want to talk to you or share things with you.

To validate someone, you want to repeat back the emotion you heard them express, ie, “I heard you say…..” Examples of invalidation vs validation would be… A child falls down and is crying – An invalidating response would be “You’re not hurt, stop that crying.” A validating response would be “I can see that you’re hurt. Are you ok?” Another example would be a wife saying to her husband, “You’re never home! You care more about your friends than me!” An invalidating response from her husband would be, “You’re being ridiculous!” A validating response would be, “You think I would rather spend more time with my friends

than you. I do want to spend time with you. Let’s plan a date night.” In addition, another example would be, a husband saying to his wife, “I can’t do anything right in your eyes!” An invalidating response from his wife would be, “If you did it right in the first place, I wouldn’t be complaining.” A validating response from her would be, “It sounds like you’re frustrated when I tell you how to do things. I appreciate what you do for me.”
Making validating statements takes more time and effort than invalidating statements. Remember that the person you are interacting with is important to you, therefore you want to communicate with them in a way that makes them feel important. It’s a win/win for you both.

If you need help navigating relationships, please call us at 870-935-4102
Rita Dickson, LPC
Christian Counseling of Arkansa